21 days...and not counting?

Today marks 21 days since I last had a drink. Three weeks!  Long, not long.

I've not yet made any sort of long-term commitment.  That's not how I roll.  Doing so would only tempt my inner rebel to raise her fist and shout "NO ONE CAN TELL ME WHAT TO DO (even me)!"

So I'm just experimenting.  I'm counting because it's pleasing to see the days add up. And let's face it, I certainly hope this experiment yields the results I've read about in so much quit lit: pink clouds, feeling feelings, glowing skin & hair, boundless energy, sheer joy, and .... weight loss. (Of course. Humbug.)

I have no desire to drink at present.  I know where that leads.  I've been doing it for more than two decades.  The amount has varied from heavy, extended bingeing to just a glass or two of wine a few nights a week.  But it's always been there.

When I started to set myself right about a year and a half ago, I began with food.  Or, rather my relationship with food and my body. 

And surprise, surprise, all roads lead to the same place.  The shadowed depths of my soul.  Food, fat, finances, family, fun (aka alcohol).  Stumbling along the path to self-improvement and inner happiness I was willing to turn all to stones I came to. Except wine.

When I first started seeing my therapist to figure out why I was so fucking angry all the time I used to joke about my wine habit. Surely, a glass or three (or five) was a totally acceptable way to cope with the relentless demands of parenting three small children.  No, she replied, one perhaps, but definitely not three (five).  Harrumph.  Nevermind.

But a year later, after a lot of work turning all the other stones, I'm realizing that this pebble (boulder) needs to be turned.

It started when I noticed that angry-mommy turned on after ONE glass of wine.  Just one.  No buzz, no warm, tingly feeling, but rather an immediate drain of energy and verve, exhaustion setting in.  Patience evaporated, and with it kindness.

The noticing was the key.  Once I noticed, it was easier to experiment with going without. 

And so this most recent experiment began.  It was relatively easy to lighten up.  Over the past few months I've tapered to a glass or two on a couple of weeknights.  Unfortunately, that upset the balance, and the weekend binges became slightly more effective. (Two blackouts in a month. Shame.)

So when This Naked Mind popped up into my Facebook feed (was it Goddess or algorithm?) I bought and read.

And here we are.

Where?  Well, I'm still not sure.  But stick around.  I'm going to find out.